Sentences which actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a service

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early. Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor. Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join her. On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get apiece of paper. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. [Ed: Reportedly from Richard Lederer's _Anguished English_]